So, last night I went to a support group. A real life, honest to goodness support group. Not because I was going to support a friend or doing some outreach work for my job but instead just for me because I needed to. It's been three months since we lost our baby and I'm still really, really sad about it. I thought by now I would be "all better" but I'm just simply not. I've been through lots of hard things in life and I thought that this would just be one more that I would overcome and hopefully see some good. But, while I have been blessed to see some of God's sweet redemption, I'm a long way from healed. So, being the practical thinker, I knew it was time to take some action steps to help me through the process of healing. I delivered at Presbyterian Dallas and from the beginning, they have invited us to this group with people just like us to get support and encouragement. I was such a snob about it knowing the stigmas around support groups and thinking that I would never need something like that. I couldn't get the whole "Hello my name is so and so and I'm an alcoholic" picture out of my head. But God in His faithfulness has taught me humility and is teaching me to be honest with myself and with those around me. And so I went. On my own. And what a blessing it was to be in a room with women just like me. Who have faced a loss like mine. Who have gone through painful labor and delivery followed by the horror of not having a baby in your arms to show for it- 18 hours for me. Who grieve for what they have lost and for what the future was going to be like with that precious baby. Who fear the future and are terrified that it would happen again. Who struggle with their husbands because men don't grieve like we do and we don't understand that. Women who still wake up some mornings in that state of sleepiness and just for a moment, think they are still pregnant. Who have to tell themselves daily that God is in control and in Him and only in Him, there is hope.
My prayer and plea with God has been to use this to bring glory to his name. That somehow, somewhere, someone will be blessed and ministered to because of this. And that my heartache will not be in vain. But most of all, that my little boy's life inside me, while only 5 months long, had purpose and meaning.
And so now I'll continue to take this road because it's the one God chose for us. Maybe sometimes I'll be able to run it. Maybe sometimes I'll walk. But for now, I'll just crawl and I'll rest in knowing that on my knees is where I should be anyways.
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9 comments:
Your loss is so tragic and the grieving process is sometimes the worst part. I'm proud of you for taking that step toward healing by letting yourself grieve... especially with others. It is very brave. I love you!
Andrea is right it is very brave! And it's brave to talk about it too. I can't imagine your pain, but please know that I am always here to wipe a tear, or just listen! Love your guts.
Thank you for being so transparent with all of us, as we grieve with you, friend. It is the times on our knees that healing is most actively taking place. I know it will take time and you will never be the same, but I too am thankful you are opening yourself up with others who can understand the road you are on. We ALL love you...even those of us so far away.
Lindsi, thank you for sharing. I have so much to say I think I am just going to email you.
Dear Lindsi,
Courtney Warren gave me your blog to check out and now I can see why. I don't know your whole story, but I definitely feel your pain. It took Matt (my hubby) and I three years to get pregnant with our daughter (she is currently 20 months old and an angel). Our case was "unexplained infertility". Then in September '06 I got pregnant again (super fast; not really trying; Grace was only 9 months old). I told EVERYONE because I just assumed all would be fine like it was with my pregnancy with Grace. Then, I lost the baby at 7 1/2 weeks. Not as tragic as losing your boy at 19 weeks, but still a loss of life and so hard to understand (still). It is hard knowing that right now I should be holding a 3 month old baby and that Grace should have a little sibling.
Anyway, I love your blog and am glad that Courtney sent it to me. You and your husband are in my prayers. You guys seem awesome. Keep us all updated...
In Him,
Jen Honeycutt
Denver, CO
Lindsi,
Well, I stumbled upon your blog and haven't talked to you in FOREVER and am so sad for you. I am so sorry that you lost that precious boy!
I had two miscarriages before I had Savannah, and while I was only two months along with both, I had no idea how painful it would be! I just cried at the weirdest times, and no one seemed to understand and feel the way I did. I can not say I totally understand what you are going through, because I know that your situation is unique, but I remember how sad I was, so I have an even deeper sympathy. Please know I will pray for you and your sweet family! May God continue to grant you peace.
Much love! Angel
My dearest daughter-in-law. I cannot begin to walk in your shoes with the pain you are carrying. I do know how deeply Ron and I wanted a family and with five years into our marriage, our son, Derek, was born and joined our family at age ten days old. I have always been so thankful for our little brown eyed boy with his belly laugh who has now grown into a loving young man and husband. Lindsi, I am so proud of you for taking that step into the support group. I, too, was a snob about support groups but the strength and wisdom they brought to me far outweighed any reservations I originally had. Please do continue with the group for at least six weeks. There will be a day when you will be able to help another with an "I understand." It is hard to find God's plan and purpose when tough things happen to us in life. It is only when we get through it and look back that we see His steadfast love and guidance with each step we tried to take only to have to rely on Him to carry us. I love you more than you know and am here anytime you may want to talk. I had a counselor one time that said when we put what is bothering us right out there on the floor (as an example) it begins to lose power over us. I pray for you that with each passing day, your pain begins to be replaced with confidence and anticipation of having a beautiful little baby gazing up at you and making those adorable gooing noises.
Lindsi, I am praying for you and your hubby too!!! I am so blessed by your trasparency and I know that you have and will continue to bless others!!! Thank you for sharing this blog!!!
Maia ><>
i don't know you but also stumbled onto your blog. our family is experiencing raw grief right now and i know you have made the right choice to join a support group. you will be amazed at how much help it will be to you now and many months from now. jan
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