Hello, My Name Is Lindsi

So, last night I went to a support group. A real life, honest to goodness support group. Not because I was going to support a friend or doing some outreach work for my job but instead just for me because I needed to. It's been three months since we lost our baby and I'm still really, really sad about it. I thought by now I would be "all better" but I'm just simply not. I've been through lots of hard things in life and I thought that this would just be one more that I would overcome and hopefully see some good. But, while I have been blessed to see some of God's sweet redemption, I'm a long way from healed. So, being the practical thinker, I knew it was time to take some action steps to help me through the process of healing. I delivered at Presbyterian Dallas and from the beginning, they have invited us to this group with people just like us to get support and encouragement. I was such a snob about it knowing the stigmas around support groups and thinking that I would never need something like that. I couldn't get the whole "Hello my name is so and so and I'm an alcoholic" picture out of my head. But God in His faithfulness has taught me humility and is teaching me to be honest with myself and with those around me. And so I went. On my own. And what a blessing it was to be in a room with women just like me. Who have faced a loss like mine. Who have gone through painful labor and delivery followed by the horror of not having a baby in your arms to show for it- 18 hours for me. Who grieve for what they have lost and for what the future was going to be like with that precious baby. Who fear the future and are terrified that it would happen again. Who struggle with their husbands because men don't grieve like we do and we don't understand that. Women who still wake up some mornings in that state of sleepiness and just for a moment, think they are still pregnant. Who have to tell themselves daily that God is in control and in Him and only in Him, there is hope.

My prayer and plea with God has been to use this to bring glory to his name. That somehow, somewhere, someone will be blessed and ministered to because of this. And that my heartache will not be in vain. But most of all, that my little boy's life inside me, while only 5 months long, had purpose and meaning.

And so now I'll continue to take this road because it's the one God chose for us. Maybe sometimes I'll be able to run it. Maybe sometimes I'll walk. But for now, I'll just crawl and I'll rest in knowing that on my knees is where I should be anyways.

I Got Tagged!

I got tagged by my precious friend Shawna
The Rules:
1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their 8 things) and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

8 Random Facts/Habits/Confessions:

1. I recently became a trainer in a class that teaches people how to effectively listen....really listen. It's really good stuff and it honestly works. Therefore, I am a "trained" (and able to train others) listener.

2. Every morning and night, Derek and I put toothpaste on each other's tooth brushes. If he gets up and gets ready first, then I'll have toothpaste already on my tooth brush ready to go when I get up. It's a little dumb thing but it's actually pretty powerful. It helps us to be thoughtful of each other in the little things. And if we're annoyed or frustrated with each other, we still have to do it even if we don't want to. Try it, you'll like it.

3. I have a bit of an obession with shoes. I love them....a lot. It might be an unhealthy relationship. I have way to many pairs but I still want more. Ironically, I tend to wear one of two black heels just about everyday because they're the most comfortable. However, I like to know that all the other ones in are safely in my closet just in case I need them.

4. When I was little my mom wouldn't let us watch the Smurfs or 3's Company. She thought the living situations in both were not appropriate. And she didn't like the fact that there was only one girl smurf. Why was that anyways?

5. I have a secret desire to be a pro golfer. And if I couldn't do that I would want to be a writer.

6. I teach aerobics- step aerobics and I absolutely love it. I teach pilates and kickboxing too. I teach at least two classes a week but hope to one day get to spend more time teaching!

That's all I can think of right now....

Allie? Jenny? Your turn!

Thankful

So....I've been feeling pretty down in the dumps lately so I thought I should stop and take a few minutes to write some of the things that I'm thankful for. It's definitely therapeutic to stop, look around and acknowledge the simple things in life that make my heart smile. Please share yours too!

1. Sun Dried Tomato and Basil Wheat Thins- They are so good, you have to try them!
2. Hand written cards
3. A really good book- especially when you borrow it from a friend and then you get to talk about it when you return it!
4. Having a car that is paid off (and still runs!)
5. Shoes, and lots of them
6. When kids laugh when they're running
7. The smell of good coffee
8. Friends (and sisters!) who really listen
9. When people laugh so hard they snort
10. Saturday mornings in the fall when it's cool enough to open all the windows- that combined with the smell of a clean house is the best!
11. No line at the grocery store
12. Looking back on journals and getting to see the growth
13. A long shower after a hard workout (and then laying under the ceiling fan in a robe and wet hair)
14. Chips and hot sauce....and homeade tortillas and good queso
15. Being called "Lulu" by my nieces and nephews
16. When my hairdresser massages my head with the green tea shampoo
17. The way babies smell after a bath
18. Decorating for Christmas
19. Running errands with my hubby
20. Going through something really hard and actually getting to see some of the good that comes out of it.

I'll be back for more later!

Three Nights in Paris

The Paris Hotel in Vegas, that is. Our trip was wonderful and we came back exhausted! We saw all the sights, laid by the pool, and spent some really good time with Jon and Lori. One of the highlights of the trip was having dinner at a really cool place called Cafe Martorano. Check out this website- the chef is from Philly, learned to cook in his "momma's" kitchen, very rough around the edges in his white beater and tattoos, but it is the best Italian food I have ever tasted. They have tvs so you can periodically watch what is happening in the kitchen- each dinner is cooked separately in its own pan- none of that cooking in mass. Pricey but SO yummy! We stayed at the Paris hotel which I absolutely loved because it was very French in decor, food and wine. Lori and I had some great bruschetta, very good Pinot Grigio one afternoon and really great conversation. I love her. We watched the fountain show at the Bellagio which was very cool and did plenty of walking up and down the strip. We gambled a little- won some, lost some- but came home under budget. We came home exhausted and have spent the day catching up on sleep. My sleep pattern in definitely off now from staying up all night! That's the craziest part about Vegas- everywhere is crowded all the time. There were people waiting in line for dinner at midnight and 1 in the morning! Here are some pics of the vacation- I apologize for the vacationy pictures....you know, the ones that don't have any of us in them....but I wanted you to see the hotel.

That's the Paris in the background. We're actually standing right in front of the Bellagio.

The one and only picture we got of the four of us. Luckily, all of our eyes are open.

This is part of the front of the Paris. Very Parisian.

Lori and I in our, what Derek calls our "cheerleader, bottom out hug" picture pose.

And this is our hotel in the background of the Bellagio water fountain show.

I Like to Think That God is Funny

Disclaimer: This is a personal story with intimate references :)
So today I went to CVS to buy tampons which for me in my situation is a monumentally sad experience. (I was hoping it would be many many months and way post baby before I would have to do that but today I found myself there.) So I go to the feminine/ family planning aisle and immediately see something interesting. There is a man standing there completely engaged in reading the back of a bottle of lubricant. But not just any bottle of lubricant....it was the KIWI STRAWBERRY flavored one. The funny part of this story is that this man was, I kid you not, pushing 90 years-old!!! Not some 20-year-old, shouldn't be having sex anyways, all about himself guy but a sweet old grampa! I like to think that this man who has been married for 60 plus years was just trying to keep it interesting! But I loved that he was completely engaged in reading the directions or perhaps the ingredients to ensure that his sweetie wouldn't be allergic. I hurried and grabbed the box I needed and laughed all the way to the register and back to my car. I think that maybe that was God's way of making my sad experience not so terrible :)

Viva Las Vegas

We leave for 3 nights in Vegas next Tuesday! We are so pumped! Lori and Jon will be joining us for 2 of those nights and there will sure to be fun memories created and lots of great photo opps! Lori and I will be spending most of our time relaxing by the pool at the Paris. It's Derek and my first visit to Vegas so we want to see everything! Any must sees? Let us know!

The Best Compliment Ever

The test results are in and my doctor told Derek and I that we are "genetically normal" which is officially the best compliment I've ever received :) This means that healthy babies are in our future and there is no need for any expensive genetic testing! Yipee! Plus, there is less than 1% chance that this will happen again and we like those odds! Thanks to everyone for your prayers and support. While we still have a long journey ahead in the healing process, we believe and are confident that God will bless us again with another sweet baby. Praise to our Almighty God that He is our hope!